Let's talk about procreation, baby!

I didn't want this blog to be all about subfertility but as that's what's going on in my life I can't resist the temptation to write about it. (I wanted this blog to be pithy little exerpts of our reassuringly average life but I realise already that this was a major over-estimation of my writing abilities and capacity for humour!) So, embracing the fact that all I really want to do is scream at the world about infertility and maybe, just maybe, in the process make myself and maybe someone else feel a bit better.

The bear thinks that our inconceivable inconceiving can be explained by my own mental attitude to it; that from the beginning I've been petrified by the idea of infertility and have therefore turned it into a self-fulfilling prophesy. This has been the root of many arguments over the last 24 months, as you can imagine. When my period rolls into town, all I'm looking for is sympathy and understanding, and instead I get told that it's all my own fault and if I could just stop stressing and worrying about it, it would all be fine. (The bear denies that he has ever said this in this way - and I wonder if it's a Venus/Mars thing because that is definitely what I hear! "Everyone I've spoken to says you just need to relax", he says, and I hear "I've told everyone how neurotic you're being, and they all think you're causing your own infertility.")

That's not to say that the bear and I are falling apart over this. On the contrary, he has been extremely sweet and supportive and I think it has brought us closer together if anything. I have to feel sorry for him actually - he mentioned to me the other day that he gets no sympathy from anyone over our situation, whereas I at least, have legions of female friends who have been very patient and understanding. It's true that because I live through the hormonal ups and downs, the hyper-sensitivity to any small change in the way my body feels, and the fantasies of getting pregnant each month, I tend to feel that I am more affected by this mentally than he is, and of course that's not entirely the case.

I guess because of our age, we have been surrounded, ever since we began trying, by couples who've had better luck than us. There's a whole host of new little Frenchies over in Normandy, while back on this side of the channel, 5 women in my department at work have fallen in the last 12 months, and - worst of all (for me) - one of my closest friends is now expecting. If anyone is reading this, you will either think I am a selfish, heartless witch for not being totally happy for my friend, or, if you are going through the same thing as me, you will understand that it's just really hard to see someone else get exactly what you want! I love my friend, and I'm trying hard not to push her away because she deserves this baby and she deserves good friends around her during this time, but I sometimes do have difficulty handling it. Partly, because I know she feels bad for me, and she is uncomfortable around me as a result! What a mess.

On a plus side, I have found a really good friend at work who has been through the whole infertility thing and come out the other side. She and her husband decided that if it was not meant to be they wouldn't push it. This lady is so strong and beautiful and poised and wise... it gives me so much hope for if I never do get pregnant. I'm sure the bear would be tearing his (copious) hair out right now because he would see this as an example of me being defeatist, but actually, it is quite the opposite in my mind. I realised recently that the thing that has been hardest for me all along is that nobody would recognise the fact that it might not happen for us. Everyone keeps saying "give it time, relax, it'll happen eventually, there's loads of things you can try if you can't get pregnant naturally" and so I was unable to get any help dealing with my greatest fear - what happens if we can't?

Now, I have started to feel calmer about the possibility of it never happening (although I am secretly hoping that this will help me get pregnant, so maybe I'm not there yet!). I can see now that it wouldn't be a total disaster, and I so do not want to fall into the trap of being an obsessive, neurotic, crazy lady who drives all her friends away because they can't be pregnant around her. That said, I do wish there wasn't quite so much 'baby-ness' all over the TV and internet. I can't seem to get away from baby images, wherever I go, and have stopped listening to BBC Radio 1 because in my view it's turned into the Baby Broadcasting Corporation (there I go... on that track to crazy lady ville).

I think that in summary to this mammoth blog, all I can say is that it's complicated. But I'm really going to try not to let my emotions rule me... but I am going to make sure the bear is pretty busy next month!