Bear necessities

Oh dear, my poor bear. Now that I am feeling much better about everything - albeit with chemical assistance - the poor bear is on a downward slope following his sister's news. Over lunch today he just confessed 'Now I know you were feeling'. While in a perverse way I am glad that can finally understand why I have been so upset for months and months on end, I am truly sorry that now it is he who is going through the mill.

Now I am starting to worry that he will end up leaving me if I cannot give him the children he so desires. He's also really not hot on the adoption front, so I wonder if I would ever leave him, if he stuck his heels in over this if - years down the line - we still haven't made a baby together. I'd like to think that neither of us ever would; that our love for each other is enough to see us through life minus a child. But it niggles at the back of my mind, and just stops me from feeling completely happy, even with the pills. It's a pea under largely soft mattresses of contentment in my relationship. The only consolation is that I have realised that there is one thing worse than a life without kids, and that would be a life without the bear. So in my mind, at least, that is clear. I only hope it is as clear in his.

Meanwhile, as baby niece or nephew grows another week older, I am still very happy at the thought of a family baby that we can lavish our love and attention on! In spite of this, I had a moment of sadness this morning when my eyes fell on the talking teddy. This was my sister in law's teddy when she was small, and talks when you press different bits of its body. S-I-L gave it to us years ago to pass on to a cousin in London as a family in-joke, but somehow we never got around to it, and so S-I-L had said we may as well keep it for our own children. Now, of course, we'll be taking it back to her for her own.